Underdog Stories / General
How Does Alcohol Abuse Affect a Marriage?
How does alcohol affect a marriage? Leslie and Vanessa describe the quiet habits, hidden drinking, and hard changes that can put a couple under strain.
By Brett Hanson · Underdog Podcasts · December 14, 2020
Leslie and Stephen got drunk on their first date. They liked each other enough to kiss in the rain, and Stephen asked her to marry him. Years later, wine was a nightly habit at home. When Leslie wanted another bottle, Stephen often did too.
How does alcohol affect a marriage? It can make heavy drinking feel ordinary when both spouses take part. If one person’s drinking grows, secrecy can wear down trust, while changes in sex or daily care put more pressure on the relationship. Those harms may become clear at different times to each spouse.
Leslie and Vanessa tell those stories in “Marriage and Merlot: How Drinking Can Affect You and Your Spouse,” an episode of Secrets of a Sober Mom from Underdog Podcasts. Their marriages did not follow the same path. That difference matters.
How does alcohol affect a marriage when both people drink?
After Leslie and Stephen married, they had wine with dinner every night. Saturday nights often meant going out with friends. Leslie remembers wanting an extra bottle at restaurants. If they brought their own wine, she wanted two bottles so they would not run out.
Stephen liked drinking too, Leslie said. He was not the husband who would object to another bottle, and she did not expect him to be. Their shared routine gave her no reason to pause over the amount. Vanessa put it simply: “It was normal for the two of you.”
That is a useful distinction. A couple can agree on a habit and still miss how it is changing. Agreement at dinner does not tell either person what will happen years later. Leslie says her drinking grew much worse as her marriage fell apart. She does not say Stephen caused that change by drinking with her.
Research published by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has found that partners’ drinking can influence each other over time. That does not make every shared glass a warning sign. In Leslie’s account, the warning was that wanting more had become familiar enough to pass without comment.
Does alcohol affect relationships before drinking looks serious?
Leslie thinks it did in hers, though she draws a line between drinking and every choice she made. When she and Stephen moved into a house they could afford, she wanted a bigger one. Then she wanted a nicer car. She describes a way of thinking that was never satisfied.
Eventually, Stephen told her the large house cost too much. Leslie recalls him saying he wanted their family to stay together and did not want to keep struggling to pay for it. She stayed attached to the house. “I didn't choose him,” she said. “I chose my house.”
Leslie connects that decision to what she calls her “alcoholic way of thinking.” Vanessa hears a change in priorities: the wish for more came at the expense of the marriage. Their account is personal, though. It cannot prove that alcohol alone made Leslie choose the house. Stephen’s practical view of money and Leslie’s taste for gifts had caused friction well before that choice.
The question for a couple is less tidy than “Was it the wine?” It may be: Are we still hearing each other? Leslie remembers Stephen telling her what he could afford and what he wanted for their family. She can now repeat his words. At the time, she could not make the choice he asked for.
How does alcohol abuse affect marriage when drinking is hidden?
Vanessa’s story moves from shared fun to a very different job for Mike. When they were young in Seattle, they went out drinking with friends. Later, after Vanessa’s first treatment stay at 25, she knew her drinking was a problem. She began hiding it. Mike sometimes came to get her when she was blacked out and in trouble.
Vanessa says she still has an email Mike sent her mother around 2005, warning that her drinking had become dangerous. She kept it. Years later, after Vanessa had stopped drinking, they reconnected over coffee near Green Lake and went on to marry and have a daughter.
Then Vanessa drank again. She recalls telling Mike she could control it, even as he had doubts. At Thanksgiving in 2012, while her father was gravely ill, her sister gave her wine in a coffee cup. Mike knew and was unhappy. Vanessa felt her father’s illness gave her a reason to drink.
“I didn't choose him. I chose my house.”
Later, when Mike traveled for work, Vanessa drank while he was away. She was unsure how much he knew. The secrecy let them keep living as if things were working, until they were not. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism lists drinking that disrupts family care, or continues despite trouble with loved ones, among the signs that deserve a closer look.
During her final drinking episode, Vanessa said she could not care for her daughter and called her mother for help. She gives March 18, 2016, as her sober date. She went to an emergency room for help with withdrawal, then stayed with her mother. She feared Mike might leave.
How does alcohol affect intimacy in a marriage?
Leslie and Vanessa answer this differently. Vanessa says alcohol was part of her sex life when she and Mike were young and partying. In the later part of their relationship, it was not central to their time together.
Leslie says she and Stephen once had a sex life they both enjoyed. They often drank in those years, yet she never felt she needed a drink to have sex. As their marriage deteriorated, she drank much more and lost interest in sex. She says Stephen was unhappy about the change. They divorced before she got sober.
Leslie noticed her desire return after she stopped drinking. She was no longer married then. Her experience shows how a change in desire can leave both partners hurt, without making sex something one spouse owes the other. Drinking was part of her story; it does not explain every person’s loss of interest in sex.
Back then, they were living through it while the marriage was already under strain. Leslie can talk about her loss of desire now with striking care for Stephen’s feelings. She couldn’t then.
Is alcohol bad for relationships if only one partner drinks?
One spouse does not have to stop drinking for the other to get sober. Still, what happens at home can matter. Vanessa says Mike could take or leave alcohol. After her final return to sobriety, he stopped drinking, and they stopped keeping alcohol in the house.
Leslie describes a different arrangement with Stephen, who is now her ex-husband. He still likes to drink, she says. She does not keep alcohol at home, though she has allowed it to come in briefly and leave with a guest. These are the rules each household reached, rather than rules for every couple.
The harder part may be talking about why a change matters. Vanessa said Mike had seen the danger of her drinking yet did not fully understand addiction. She had also tried to persuade him she could drink in control. A spouse can voice concern and offer support. They cannot promise that another person will stay sober.
Families need support of their own. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration says family therapy and support groups are options when a loved one has a substance use disorder. If someone has been drinking heavily for a long time, stopping suddenly can bring dangerous withdrawal. A clinician can help plan a safer way to stop.
Can a marriage recover after alcohol abuse?
Vanessa and Mike stayed married. She says recovery changed more than the amount she drank: she had to learn how to live differently with him. For a long time, Vanessa accepted criticism because she felt she deserved it. Now she feels able to speak up. That asks Mike to get to know her as she is today.
Their relationship remains a work in progress, Vanessa said. She uses the 12 steps and talks with her sponsor. Mike has had changes to make as well. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism lists couples and family counseling among treatments that can help people repair relationships affected by drinking.
Leslie and Stephen did not remarry. In the episode, Leslie says he lives one floor below her, and they remain close in their children’s lives. She says people see family photos and ask if they are back together. Her answer is complicated, though she is clear that they are no longer married.
Sobriety cannot put a marriage back exactly where it was. No reset button. Vanessa and Mike have had to learn a new way to be together, while Leslie and Stephen have found a way to remain family on separate floors. It is an unusually short trip to see an ex.
The full episode of Secrets of a Sober Mom is on Underdog Podcasts, with the rest of the network's shows.
People also ask
Can drinking together hide a problem in a marriage?+
Yes. When both spouses drink regularly, the amount may feel ordinary to them, as Leslie says it did for her and Stephen. A shared habit does not mean both people have the same risk. Pay attention if drinking starts to disrupt family life, or if one person finds it hard to stop.
Is hiding alcohol from a spouse a sign of alcohol use disorder?+
Hiding alcohol is a reason for concern, especially if it comes with blackouts, withdrawal, or drinking despite harm at home. It is not a diagnosis on its own. Vanessa says she began hiding her drinking after treatment made the problem clear to her. A health professional can assess what is happening.
Can a marriage get better after one spouse stops drinking?+
It can, though stopping drinking may be only the start. Vanessa and Mike stayed married and have kept working on their relationship. Leslie and Stephen divorced, but remain involved in each other’s lives. Couples counseling and family support can help, while neither guarantees that spouses will stay together.
Should a spouse stop drinking at home if their partner is sober?+
There is no single household rule. Vanessa and Mike keep alcohol out of their home. Leslie also keeps none at home, though she has let a guest bring it in briefly. The useful step is to ask the sober partner what feels safe and revisit the agreement if it stops working.