Underdog Stories / General
How to Pause Before Reacting in Recovery
Learn how to pause before reacting in recovery through small delays, a call for support, and choices about family plans, with stories from two sober moms.
By Brett Hanson · Underdog Podcasts · December 7, 2020
Les remembers how she fought with her family while she was drinking. She knew them well enough to know what would hurt, and she said it. “I used to go for the jugular,” she said.
Learning how to pause before reacting in recovery can begin with a much smaller act: say nothing for now. Step away from the argument. Call someone who can help you get through the next few minutes. The pause gives you time to choose a response before the old one comes out.
How do you pause before reacting in recovery?
On Secrets of a Sober Mom, in the episode “The Power of Choice: How a Simple Pause Can Change Everything,” Vanessa describes an early version of that pause. Someone says something irritating. A snarky answer comes to mind. She walks away instead of saying it.
It sounds almost too small to count. That is why it counts. Walking away does not require her to settle the whole argument or feel calm at once. It gives her a chance to avoid saying the thing she already knows will sting.
At first, Vanessa didn’t always see a pause as a choice. It was new. She was trying it in place of an old habit, and with time and help from other people, she came to see that she could decide how to respond.
Les liked the word “willingness.” When stopping drinking felt too large to grasp, she said, being willing to try something different gave her a place to start. She knew how frightening that could be: Les said she had been afraid to stop drinking and afraid to keep going.
Why can a trigger feel so urgent?
Vanessa said that, while she was drinking, she felt driven to react to everything. Les knew a sharp reply could come from her even when sober, but drinking made her fights with family harsher. They were close. That gave her words plenty of places to land.
Alcohol use disorder can make stopping hard, even when drinking causes harm. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism says repeated heavy drinking can affect decision-making and impulse control, which helps explain why “just choose differently” can sound simple to someone outside the fight and impossible to someone caught in it.
Still, the hosts do not treat every painful act as unavoidable. Les was clear that she hurt people. Vanessa said she later came to see harm she could not recognize in her first year sober. Some memories took longer to face than others.
That leaves an awkward truth. You may need help with an illness and still owe someone an apology for what you said at their kitchen table.
What can you do before you say something hurtful?
Begin with the next sentence. Vanessa’s example was plain: she could tell herself she was not going to answer yet because the answer in her head was snarky. Then she could leave the conversation for a while.
You can use ordinary words with the other person, too: “I need a minute.” If leaving is safe, go somewhere you can hear yourself think. Come back when you can answer the point they made, rather than reach for the sore spot you know by heart.
Les said people had told her she was mean when she drank. She also admitted she can still be mean when sober. Vanessa agreed that sober people react badly, too. Neither host offers a magic gap in which every thought becomes kind.
A pause may only stop one remark. That is useful. SAMHSA suggests taking a break when stress builds and talking with someone you trust. The break need not make your anger vanish before you can put the phone down.
When should you ask someone else for help?
“I'm not going to say anything right now because what I was going to say is really snarky.”
Ask before the urge or the argument makes every option feel narrow. Vanessa said that when she wanted to drink, reaching out meant more than sending a message. She had to listen to the person who answered, even when she did not like what they suggested.
Les described getting help in rehab. She had been scared of how she would get through life without alcohol. Rehab gave her room to begin, though she said she drank again after leaving and had to try once more. Her account is a useful check on the idea that one stay in treatment settles everything.
Support can be personal or professional. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism lists therapy, medication, and mutual-support groups among options for alcohol use disorder. Its guidance on urges also suggests talking one through or leaving the place that set it off. A friend can help with a hard evening; a clinician can help you plan care.
There is a safety line here. Les said she received help with withdrawal symptoms in rehab. If you have been drinking heavily for a long time, suddenly stopping can cause dangerous withdrawal. Speak with a health professional about how to stop safely. A pause in an argument is something to practice at home; severe withdrawal is not.
Can you change holiday plans in early recovery?
Vanessa brought the talk around to a familiar holiday thought: We always do it this way. The family expects a visit, so the visit starts to feel fixed before anyone asks if it is a good idea this year.
She suggested looking at that plan again. You might decide not to spend one holiday with extended family, even if you have gone every other year. That decision does not have to stand for every future holiday, and it does not mean you have stopped loving them.
The episode aired in December 2020, and Vanessa also spoke about keeping people safe from COVID. That was part of the choice she described then. Her wider point holds without the same set of circumstances: a past plan is still a plan you can reconsider.
This may be a harder pause than walking out of a tense room. It can happen days before the gathering, when there is time to call someone for support and tell family what you have decided. The empty place at dinner may feel strange. So might the relief.
How do you take responsibility for a past choice?
Les told Vanessa about a New Year’s Eve near the end of her drinking. Alone in a large house, she had fallen behind on bills. Her television service was shut off. She arranged an online check payment of about $500, she said, though the money was not in her account. The television came back on.
A few days later, Les went to rehab. A counselor let her call her mother, and Les was excited. Then her mother’s first words were about the payment. Les cried and handed the phone back. Her mother’s anger stayed with her for years.
Les said she later tried to make amends. She wanted her mother to understand how sick she had been, but she did not know if her mother ever would. Vanessa asked Les whether she had made amends, then made room for an answer she could not control: her mother might understand someday, or she might not.
Les also spoke about driving while blackout drunk. It led to a DUI and the loss of her license. She said those consequences were deserved. The pause available now cannot undo that drive. It can give her time to own what she did without demanding that the people she hurt feel better on command.
Does the pause help with ordinary choices, too?
Vanessa found it in an online shopping cart. She said her sponsor suggested putting things in the cart, then returning a day or two later. Sometimes Vanessa looked again and no longer wanted them. The items had stayed there while the urge changed.
Les laughed at how far that lesson could go. She had moved from a big house to a smaller one, then to an apartment that cost less. She also leased a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon because she wanted it and could afford it. She did not pretend she needed it. She doubted she would take it off-road.
Those choices are far from a family fight. They show the hosts trying the same question in less painful places: Do I have to do what first came to mind? Some days the answer may still be yes. Vanessa has her shopping cart; Les has a Jeep that will probably keep its tires clean.
The full episode of Secrets of a Sober Mom is on Underdog Podcasts, with the rest of the network's shows.
People also ask
What should I say when I need to pause an argument?+
Try a short line such as “I need a minute, and I’ll come back.” Then step away if it is safe to do so. Vanessa described walking away when she knew her next remark would be snarky. The point is to delay that remark, not to find perfect words while you are upset.
What if I still react badly while sober?+
Les said she sometimes does. A pause is a skill you can practice, not a promise that you will never lash out. When you do, name what you said and listen to how it affected the other person. Vanessa described learning to recognize hurt she had missed earlier in recovery.
Can I skip a family holiday to protect my recovery?+
You can reconsider a plan simply because your family has always followed it. Vanessa suggested deciding what works for this year, rather than treating one choice as a rule for every holiday. If you can, tell people your decision ahead of time and ask a trusted person for support.
Is pausing enough to stop drinking?+
No. A pause may help you get through an urge long enough to call someone or leave a triggering place. Alcohol use disorder may also call for treatment and ongoing support. If you have been drinking heavily for a long time, ask a health professional how to stop safely; withdrawal can be dangerous.